Keep on using me, until you use me up.
Catholic Schoolgirl Barfly Bus Bachelorette Party - congratulations to Angi, the guest of honor at the most hedonistic public displays of drunken, lustful female aggression ever inflicted on the unfortunate bystanders of Portland, OR. Even though I managed to scrawl the name of every bar on a piece of paper, I've lost more of the evening than I can find:

1. My Father's Place: Thirty-seven women arrive in their push-up bra best with digicams at the ready, nibbling spice cake while receiving their cleavage glitter from the MAC ho's, anxiously awaiting the arrival of the big yellow schoolbus.


2. The Sandy Hut (aptly nicknamed The Handy Slut): Under the watchful eye of every male in the bar, we mingle and carouse to the strains of "Sweet Caroline", belting out the chorus in spontaneous unison. Faithful to our opposing crests, Autumn and I throw down; I beat her to an imaginary pulp by the cigarette machine. Angi dons the Penis Crown, and we file out to the bassline of "White Wedding", a jukebox tribute from the bemused busboy. Mother Ali breaks her paddle herding us back onto the bus.


3. Sassy's: The beginning of the Treasure Hunt. Carrie grabs the mic and broadcasts her horniness to the entire bar, earning the first 20 points of the evening.


4. Dino's: Beer+wine only, that about sums it up. I spend the entire time chatting with Mandy and being a very good girl, until I convince one very excited young man to play the "virgin" for my 10-point card.


5. Egyptian Room: Ever seen 37 catholic schoolgirls with their blouses open dancing to karaoke?


6. Renner's: Four women in the doorway. Three women passing around the whipped cream. Two strippers. One violated tiger-striped cake. There is so much that cannot be said. I would not be surprised if this bar took out a restraining order against me.


7. Magic Gardens: The significant others arrive, tipped off by one or more silly schoolgirls. We kidnap several more men for the bus ride, just to even out the ratio. One is fortunate enough to be dragged up and down the aisle by Elaine before being dumped in my lap and ordered to behave himself and do what he's told.


8. Lola's Room: After a failed attempt to maraud Three Sisters (visibly intoxicated? what?), we land in front of the Crystal Ballroom. I play Hipster Bingo with a sweet young thing who covets my bracelets, and after two pints of water the room is spinning a bit too fast for my liking. Cab time.

And this doesn't even begin to address the debauchery that took place *on* the bus...

I awoke on Saturday morning with dreads, boots and full riot-gear intact. If the Portland Girls Gone Bad had not earned their medals before, we are certainly Olympians now.