Hyper-allergenic.
It had nothing to do with foreign bodies in my nose, as it turns out. Okay, maybe there's a random tissue in there. Perhaps some pollen during the on-season. Carpet lint. The usual suspects.

The real problem, though, turned out to be far more pernicious and inconspicuous. Care to take a guess? Global warming, that's probably your first guess. Peak oil seems like a reasonable suspect. Second-hand smoke is an easy scapegoat. If I were you, though, I'd probably bet my money on the innocuous and ever-impressive sinus infection. Did you ever stop to think that it might have been right under our noses, and right over our crackers? You guessed it: the answer is cheese.

To be more precise, it's dairy products. All of them. Milk, yogurt, sour cream, Irish cheddar, brie, fontina, you name it. If it came from a cow, it made my sinuses drain like a leaky gutter in a Northwest rainstorm. I have touched neither a Neti nor a neufchatel in six weeks, and my nose has taken on a zen-like calmness. My Kleenex budget has been dramatically slashed. And this got me thinking: what other woes of the world are a direct result of my modern-day diet?

I asked my ND for help. She looked me up and down, sizing up my pasty skin and thin hair, considering my extra weight and bloated belly.

"Alright," she said. "Let's get you tested."

One vial of blood and $200 later, I was on my way to digestive awareness, if not exactly wellness. I had signed up for the Standard Omnivore and the Extra Vegetarian panels. I had forgone the Inhalants panel. I figured that knowing birch trees were my enemy didn't stop them from growing, and opted for answers I could actually respond to. That was wise, in retrospect, given the dietetic challenge that lay ahead of me.

My results came four weeks later, in the form of a green-yellow-orange-red chart that clearly illustrated my problem areas: dairy, eggs, wheat, gluten, beans, asparagus, bananas and pineapple. Of less import but equal significance were mushrooms, yeast, tuna, oysters, rye and spelt. This seems manageable, even innocuous even, until you consider what it actually means in the grocery store.

Let's consider wheat and yeast first. Avoiding these foods means avoiding, basically, all baked goods. Cookies, cake, biscuits, pancakes, waffles, crackers, biscuits, bread, muffins, bagels, pasta, most liquors. All gone. Read the labels - wheat is in everything.

Now let's talk about yeast and other fermented foods like vinegar: baked goods, some soups, salad dressings, pasta sauce, mustard, ketchup, soy sauce, wine, beer, pickles, baby corn, root beer, ham, bacon, BBQ sauce, mayo, horseradish, sausage.

That leaves vegetables, vegan cornbread, tequila, potato-based vodka and meat. Is the best or the worst thing that ever happened to me? Discuss.