If laundry falls on an empty floor, does it really need washing?
Sometimes being single is about giving myself permission NOT to do things. I DON'T need to get up for brunch. I DON'T need to put on make-up on Saturday. I can do the dishes TOMORROW instead of today. It's self-indulgent, yes, but it's also freeing. Relaxed. Left to its own devices, life paints an honest picture. Unimpeded by another's causes & effects, my life fulfills its own. I haven't washed my hair in two days because I've got nobody to impress but myself, and my self is pretty comfortable with oily sideburns on Sundays.
This gives way, of course, to the next logical question: "Am I myself when I'm in a relationship?" And the answer, of course, is "Yes. I'm my Relationship Self." And this self is not the same as my Single Self. And I can't possibly put them on a scale of 'better to worse' or 'sane to insane' or any other judgmental continuum that might veer me towards a relationship-for-its-own-sake or the opposite. That would be false, fake, pointless, gutless. I refuse to judge myself on the basis of my "relationship status".
But we all have scales on which we weigh ourselves. Artistic/creative expression is a big one for me, and if you put a gun to my head right now, on that merit alone I'd choose "Single" without hesitation. Go ahead, read back through this blog and correlate my written expression to my relationship status:
Dec 2002-Sept 2003: Single
Sept 2003-Jan 2008: In relationships
Jan 2008-Today: Single
Stick it all in an Excel sheet and graph it. I am far more prolific, post for post and word for word, when I'm single. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!? It's vexing, truthfully, and it's painful to admit. And that's just my writing. If I gave you stats on my costume design, music, knitting, weaving... if creative output is something you value in a partner, you'd write me off your dating dance card forever.
At the end of the day, though, it's my problem and not yours. If I'm to form appropriately territorial relationships with my muses, it's for me to manage and ultimately to judge. If you've read this far, I appreciate your interest but I don't (and can't) rely on it to keep me going. I write, both publicly and privately, to keep myself sane. As odd as it may read on a public (though unpublicized) blog, I write for me.
Thanks, though.
Sometimes being single is about giving myself permission NOT to do things. I DON'T need to get up for brunch. I DON'T need to put on make-up on Saturday. I can do the dishes TOMORROW instead of today. It's self-indulgent, yes, but it's also freeing. Relaxed. Left to its own devices, life paints an honest picture. Unimpeded by another's causes & effects, my life fulfills its own. I haven't washed my hair in two days because I've got nobody to impress but myself, and my self is pretty comfortable with oily sideburns on Sundays.
This gives way, of course, to the next logical question: "Am I myself when I'm in a relationship?" And the answer, of course, is "Yes. I'm my Relationship Self." And this self is not the same as my Single Self. And I can't possibly put them on a scale of 'better to worse' or 'sane to insane' or any other judgmental continuum that might veer me towards a relationship-for-its-own-sake or the opposite. That would be false, fake, pointless, gutless. I refuse to judge myself on the basis of my "relationship status".
But we all have scales on which we weigh ourselves. Artistic/creative expression is a big one for me, and if you put a gun to my head right now, on that merit alone I'd choose "Single" without hesitation. Go ahead, read back through this blog and correlate my written expression to my relationship status:
Dec 2002-Sept 2003: Single
Sept 2003-Jan 2008: In relationships
Jan 2008-Today: Single
Stick it all in an Excel sheet and graph it. I am far more prolific, post for post and word for word, when I'm single. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!? It's vexing, truthfully, and it's painful to admit. And that's just my writing. If I gave you stats on my costume design, music, knitting, weaving... if creative output is something you value in a partner, you'd write me off your dating dance card forever.
At the end of the day, though, it's my problem and not yours. If I'm to form appropriately territorial relationships with my muses, it's for me to manage and ultimately to judge. If you've read this far, I appreciate your interest but I don't (and can't) rely on it to keep me going. I write, both publicly and privately, to keep myself sane. As odd as it may read on a public (though unpublicized) blog, I write for me.
Thanks, though.
1 Comments:
When the "you" you and the "Relationship" you are the same person you'll know you've found a keeper. In the meantime, continue to embrace being single and all that comes along with it. Have fun. Love yourself. Shower as needed.
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